L-R: Rabbi Amy B. Cohen, Maura Kinney, Rabbi Melanie Levav, Audrey Burnett, Rachel Wimberley, Matt Medina. Courtesy: Matt Medina

By Audrey Burnett 

Almost everyone has or knows of topics that they would rather avoid. For many, talking about death is at the top of that list. Often, topics that are harder to talk about can be surprisingly connectional, especially when approaching the topic with intentionality and care.   

Last December, Shalom Austin Jewish Family Service partnered with the Shomer Collective, an organization that provides concierge services to help people navigate their end of life, to offer several different events focused on the end of life and how people think and talk about death. Rabbi Melanie Levav, executive director of The Shomer Collective, traveled from New York City to lead these discussions. Her refreshing and hopeful approach encouraged participants to engage, sharing questions and experiences with one another. Rabbi Levav emphasized the unpredictability of life, reminding attendees that there is no way to know what tomorrow will bring. Thinking about, talking about, and preparing for death need not be scary or rooted in fear. Knowing one’s wishes for their end of life can even lead to better understanding and care among loved ones.  

After the death of a close loved one, grief from that loss can be overwhelming. It also inevitably leads to paperwork, decisions, bills, and other expected or unexpected minutia that pops up. None of this is easy and can even be quite debilitating, especially with heightened emotions. Rabbi Levav created an environment where attendees could talk openly about the challenges when faced with a loss, and how beneficial it can be for individuals to prepare as much as possible for their own deaths. This can be a gift for those who are grieving because it helps to alleviate that logistical and emotional burden that so often follow a death loss.   

A recurring theme at events like this is the challenge of discussing end-of life plans with family members who do not want to talk about it. Rabbi Levav suggested starting the conversation by framing it around the individual’s personal decisions and plans for end-of-life and how meaningful it would be to know about loved ones’ wishes for their end of life. Though daunting at times, these conversations can also be sacred and lead to surprising insights.  

Rabbi Levav also led a session focused on talking with children about death. She advised participants on being developmentally appropriate, direct, avoiding euphemisms, and answering only the specific questions asked. Children are innately curious and persistent; it’s encouraged to approach these conversations with openness and honesty. Rabbi Levav reassured attendees that it is okay to revisit conversations with children, because as lifelong learners, answers may shift and change for both the adults and the children. She emphasized that it is important to only answer the question that the child is asking, no more no less, even when it might be tempting to elaborate.   

An impactful takeaway from these events was the discussion about what a good day looks like. Rabbi Levav talked about how this question provides insight into an individual’s values and can help caregivers and loved ones to know and focus on what matters most to that person. Asking this question promotes a sense of mindfulness and encourages connection as humans seek to understand each other better. Even as the answer changes throughout one’s life, it can be a great starting point for caring for others and when thinking about the end of life.   

Participants brought thoughtfulness and intentionality to the whole weekend in these sessions and discussions with Rabbi Levav. There was a strong interest in continuing these conversations and using the things they learned to talk with family members. With the hope of continuing to normalize conversations about death, dying, and grief, Shalom Austin-Jewish Family Service will continue to have events like these, such as The Parental Death Support Group and our Grief Circle.